TO

THATHIGHLYRESPECTABLEBUTUNNECESSARILY

RETIRINGINDIVIDUAL，OFWHOM

WEHEARSOMUCH

BUT

SEESOLITTLE，"THEEARNESTSTUDENTOFTHEDRAMA，"

THIS

（COMPARATIVELY）TRUTHFULLITTLEBOOK

ISLOVINGLYDEDICATED。

CONTENTS。

THEHERO

THEVILLAIN

THEHEROINE

THECOMICMAN

THELAWYER

THEADVENTURESS

THESERVANTGIRL

THECHILD

THECOMICLOVERS

THEPEASANTS

THEGOODOLDMAN

THEIRISHMAN

THEDETECTIVE

THESAILOR

STAGE—LAND。

THEHERO。

HisnameisGeorge，generallyspeaking。"CallmeGeorge！"hesaystotheheroine。ShecallshimGeorge（inaverylowvoice，becausesheissoyoungandtimid）。Thenheishappy。

Thestageheroneverhasanyworktodo。Heisalwayshangingaboutandgettingintotrouble。Hischiefaiminlifeistobeaccusedofcrimeshehasnevercommitted，andifhecanmuddlethingsupwithacorpseinsomecomplicatedwaysoastogethimselfreasonablymistakenforthemurderer，hefeelshisdayhasnotbeenwasted。

Hehasawonderfulgiftofspeechandaflowoflanguagecalculatedtostriketerrortothebravestheart。Itisagrandthingtohearhimbullyraggingthevillain。

Thestageheroisalwaysentitledto"estates，"chieflyremarkablefortheirhighstateofcultivationandfortheeccentricgroundplanofthe"manorhouse"uponthem。Thehouseisnevermorethanonestoryhigh，butitmakesupingreenstuffovertheporchwhatitlacksinsizeandconvenience。

Thechiefdrawbackinconnectionwithit，tooureyes，isthatalltheinhabitantsoftheneighboringvillageappeartoliveinthefrontgarden，buttheheroevidentlythinksitratherniceofthem，asitenableshimtomakespeechestothemfromthefrontdoorstep——hisfavoriterecreation。

Thereisgenerallyapublic—houseimmediatelyopposite。Thisishandy。

These"estates"areagreatanxietytothestagehero。Heisnotwhatyouwouldcallabusinessman，asfaraswecanjudge，andhisattemptstomanagehisownpropertyinvariablylandhiminruinanddistraction。His"estates，"however，alwaysgettakenawayfromhimbythevillainbeforethefirstactisover，andthissaveshimallfurthertroublewithregardtothemuntiltheendoftheplay，whenhegetssaddledwiththemoncemore。

Notbutwhatitmustbeconfessedthatthereismuchexcuseforthepoorfellow’sgeneralbewildermentconcerninghisaffairsandforhislegalerrorsandconfusionsgenerally。Stage"law"maynotbequitethemostfearfulandwonderfulmysteryinthewholeuniverse，butit’snearit——verynearit。Wewereundertheimpressionatonetimethatweourselvesknewsomething——justalittle——aboutstatutoryandcommonlaw，butafterpayingattentiontothelegalpointsofoneortwoplayswefoundthatweweremerechildrenatit。

Wethoughtwewouldnotbebeaten，andwedeterminedtogettothebottomofstagelawandtounderstandit;butaftersomesixmonths’

effortourbrain（asingularlyfineone）begantosoften，andweabandonedthestudy，believingitwouldcomecheaperintheendtoofferasuitablereward，ofabout50，000poundsor60，000pounds，say，toanyonewhowouldexplainittous。

Therewardhasremainedunclaimedtothepresentdayandisstillopen。

Onegentlemandidcometoourassistancealittlewhileago，buthisexplanationsonlymadethemattermoreconfusingtoourmindsthanitwasbefore。Hewassurprisedatwhathecalledourdensity，andsaidthethingwasallclearandsimpletohim。Butwediscoveredafterwardthathewasanescapedlunatic。

Theonlypointsofstage"law"onwhichweareatallclearareasfollows:

Thatifamandieswithoutleavingawill，thenallhispropertygoestothenearestvillain。

Butifamandiesandleavesawill，thenallhispropertygoestowhoevercangetpossessionofthatwill。

Thattheaccidentallossofthethree—and—sixpennycopyofamarriagecertificateannulsthemarriage。

Thattheevidenceofoneprejudicedwitnessofshadyantecedentsisquitesufficienttoconvictthemoststainlessandirreproachablegentlemanofcrimesforthecommittalofwhichhecouldhavehadnopossiblemotive。

Butthatthisevidencemayberebuttedyearsafterward，andtheconvictionquashedwithoutfurthertrialbytheunsupportedstatementofthecomicman。

ThatifAforgesB’snametoacheck，thenthelawofthelandisthatBshallbesentencedtotenyears’penalservitude。

Thattenminutes’noticeisallthatisrequiredtoforecloseamortgage。

Thatalltrialsofcriminalcasestakeplaceinthefrontparlorofthevictim’shouse，thevillainactingascounsel，judge，andjuryrolledintoone，andacoupleofpolicemenbeingtoldofftofollowhisinstructions。

Theseareafewofthemoresalientfeaturesofstage"law"sofaraswehavebeenabletograspituptothepresent;butasfreshactsandclausesandmodificationsappeartobeintroducedforeachnewplay，wehaveabandonedallhopeofeverbeingabletoreallycomprehendthesubject。

Toreturntoourhero，thestateofthelaw，asabovesketched，naturallyconfuseshim，andthevillain，whoistheonlyhumanbeingwhodoesseemtounderstandstagelegalquestions，iseasilyabletofleeceandruinhim。Thesimple—mindedherosignsmortgages，billsofsale，deedsofgift，andsuchlikethings，undertheimpressionthatheisplayingsomesortofaroundgame;andthenwhenhecannotpaytheinteresttheytakehiswifeandchildrenawayfromhimandturnhimadriftintotheworld。

Beingthrownuponhisownresources，henaturallystarves。

Hecanmakelongspeeches，hecantellyouallhistroubles，hecanstandinthelime—lightandstrikeattitudes，hecanknockthevillaindown，andhecandefythepolice，buttheserequirementsarenotmuchindemandinthelabormarket，andastheyareallhecandoorcarestodo，hefindsearninghislivingamuchmoredifficultaffairthanhefancied。

Thereisadealtoomuchhardworkaboutitforhim。Hesoongivesuptryingitatall，andpreferstoekeoutanuncertainexistencebyspongingupongood—naturedoldIrishwomenandgenerousbutweak—mindedyoungartisanswhohavelefttheirnativevillagetofollowhimandenjoytheadvantageofhiscompanyandconversation。

Andsohedragsouthislifeduringthemiddleofthepiece，ravingatfortune，ragingathumanity，andwhiningabouthismiseriesuntilthelastact。

Thenhegetsbackthose"estates"ofhisintohispossessiononceagain，andcangobacktothevillageandmakemoremoralspeechesandbehappy。

Moralspeechesareundoubtedlyhisleadingarticle，andofthese，itmustbeowned，hehasaninexhaustiblestock。Heisaschock—fullofnoblesentimentsasabladderisofwind。Theyareweakandwaterysentimentsofthesixpennytea—meetingorder。Wehaveadimnotionthatwehaveheardthembefore。Thesoundofthemalwaysconjuresuptoourmindthevisionofadulllongroom，fullofoppressivesilence，brokenonlybythescratchingofsteelpensandanoccasionalwhispered"Giveusasuck，Bill。YouknowIalwayslikedyou;"oralouder"Please，sir，speaktoJimmyBoggles。He’sa—joggingmyelbow。"

Thestagehero，however，evidentlyregardsthesemeanderingsasgemsofbrilliantthought，freshfromthephilosophicmine。

Thegallerygreetsthemwithenthusiasticapproval。Theyareawarm—heartedpeople，galleryites，andtheyliketogiveaheartywelcometooldfriends。

Andthen，too，thesentimentsaresogoodandaBritishgalleryissomoral。Wedoubtiftherecouldbediscoveredonthisearthanybodyofhumanbeingshalfsomoral——sofondofgoodness，evenwhenitisslowandstupid——sohatefulofmeannessinwordordeed——asamoderntheatricalgallery。

TheearlyChristianmartyrsweresinfulandworldlycomparedwithanAdelphigallery。

Thestageheroisaverypowerfulman。Youwouldn’tthinkittolookathim，butyouwaittilltheheroinecries"Help！Oh，George，saveme！"orthepoliceattempttorunhimin。Thentwovillains，threeextrahiredruffiansandfourdetectivesareabouthisfighting—weight。

Ifheknocksdownlessthanthreemenwithoneblow，hefearsthathemustbeill，andwonders"Whythisstrangeweakness？"

Theherohashisownwayofmakinglove。Healwaysdoesitfrombehind。Thegirlturnsawayfromhimwhenhebegins（shebeing，aswehavesaid，shyandtimid），andhetakesholdofherhandsandbreatheshisattachmentdownherback。

Thestageheroalwayswearspatent—leatherboots，andtheyarealwaysspotlesslyclean。Sometimesheisrichandlivesinaroomwithsevendoorstoit，andatothertimesheisstarvinginagarret;butineithereventhestillwearsbrand—newpatent—leatherboots。

Hemightraiseatleastthree—and—sixpenceonthoseboots，andwhenthebabyiscryingforfood，itoccurstousthatitwouldbebetterif，insteadofprayingtoHeaven，hetookoffthosebootsandpawnedthem;butthisdoesnotseemtooccurtohim。

HecrossestheAfricandesertinpatent—leatherboots，doesthestagehero。Hetakesasupplywithhimwhenheiswreckedonanuninhabitedisland。Hearrivesfromlongandtryingjourneys;hisclothesareraggedandtorn，buthisbootsarenewandshiny。Heputsonpatent—leatherbootstotrampthroughtheAustralianbush，tofightinEgypt，todiscoverthenorthpole。

Sometimesheisagold—digger，sometimesadocklaborer，sometimesasoldier，sometimesasailor，butwhateverheishewearspatent—leatherboots。

Hegoesboatinginpatentleatherboots，heplayscricketinthem;hegoesfishingandshootinginthem。Hewillgotoheaveninpatent—leatherbootsorhewilldeclinetheinvitation。

Thestageheronevertalksinasimple，straightforwardway，likeamereordinarymortal。

"Youwillwritetomewhenyouareaway，dear，won’tyou？"saystheheroine。

Amerehumanbeingwouldreply:

"Why，ofcourseIshall，ducky，everyday。"

Butthestageheroisasuperiorcreature。Hesays:

"Dostseeyonderstar，sweet？"

Shelooksupandownsthatshedoesseeyonderstar;andthenoffhestartsanddrivelsonaboutthatstarforfullfiveminutes，andsayshewillceasetowritetoherwhenthatpalestarhasfallenfromitsplaceamidthefirmamentofheaven。

Theresultofalongcourseofacquaintanceshipwithstageheroeshasbeen，sofarasweareconcerned，tocreateayearningforanewkindofstagehero。Whatwewouldlikeforachangewouldbeamanwhowouldn’tcackleandbragquitesomuch，butwhowascapableoftakingcareofhimselfforadaywithoutgettingintotrouble。

THEVILLAIN。

Hewearsacleancollarandsmokesacigarette;thatishowweknowheisavillain。Inreallifeitisoftendifficulttotellavillainfromanhonestman，andthisgivesrisetomistakes;butonthestage，aswehavesaidvillainswearcleancollarsandsmokecigarettes，andthusallfearofblunderisavoided。

Itiswellthattheruledoesnotholdoffthestage，orgoodmenmightbemisjudged。Weourselves，forinstance，wearacleancollar——sometimes。

Itmightbeveryawkwardforourfamily，especiallyonSundays。

Hehasnopowerofrepartee，hasthestagevillain。Allthegoodpeopleintheplaysayrudeandinsultingthingstohim，andsmackathim，andscoreoffhimallthroughtheact，buthecanneveranswerthemback——canneverthinkofanythingclevertosayinreturn。

"Ha！ha！waittillMondayweek，"isthemostbrilliantretortthathecanmake，andhehastogetintoacornerbyhimselftothinkofeventhat。

Thestagevillain’scareerisalwaysveryeasyandprosperousuptowithinaminuteoftheendofeachact。Thenhegetssuddenlyletin，generallybythecomicman。Italwayshappensso。Yetthevillainisalwaysintenselysurprisedeachtime。Heneverseemstolearnanythingfromexperience。

Afewyearsagothevillainusedtobeblessedwithahopefulandphilosophicaltemperament，whichenabledhimtobearupundertheseconstantlyrecurringdisappointmentsandreverses。Itwas"nomatter，"hewouldsay。Crushedforthemomentthoughhemightbe，hisbuoyantheartneverlostcourage。Hehadasimple，child—likefaithinProvidence。"Atimewillcome，"hewouldremark，andthisideaconsoledhim。

Oflate，however，thistrustinghopefulnessofhis，asexpressedinthebeautifullineswehavequoted，appearstohaveforsakenhim。Wearesorryforthis。Wealwaysregardeditasoneofthefinesttraitsinhischaracter。

Thestagevillain’slovefortheheroineissublimeinitssteadfastness。Sheisawomanoflugubriousandtearfuldisposition，addedtowhichsheisusuallyincumberedwithacoupleofpriggishandhighlyobjectionablechildren，andwhatpossibleattractionthereisaboutherweourselvescanneverunderstand;butthestagevillain——well，there，heisfairlymashedonher。

Nothingcanalterhisaffection。Shehateshimandinsultshimtoanextentthatisreallyunladylike。Everytimehetriestoexplainhisdevotiontoher，theherocomesinandknockshimdowninthemiddleofit，orthecomicmancatcheshimduringoneortheotherofhisharassinglove—sceneswithher，andgoesoffandtellsthe"villagers"

orthe"guests，"andtheycomeroundandnaghim（weshouldthinkthatthevillainmustgrowtopositivelydislikethecomicmanbeforethepieceisover）。

Notwithstandingallthishestillhankersafterherandswearssheshallbehis。Heisnotabad—lookingfellow，andfromwhatweknowofthemarket，weshouldsaythereareplentyofothergirlswhowouldjumpathim;yetforthesakeofsettlingdownwiththisdismalyoungfemaleashiswife，heispreparedtogothroughalaboriousandexhaustivecourseofcrimeandtobebulliedandinsultedbyeveryonehemeets。Hislovesustainshimunderitall。Herobsandforges，andcheats，andlies，andmurders，andarsons。Iftherewereanyothercrimeshecouldcommittowinheraffection，hewould，forhersweetsake，committhemcheerfully。Buthedoesn’tknowanyothers——atallevents，heisnotwellupinanyothers——andshestilldoesnotcareforhim，andwhatishetodo？

Itisveryunfortunateforbothofthem。Itisevidenttothemerestspectatorthatthelady’slifewouldbemuchhappierifthevillaindidnotloveherquitesomuch;andasforhim，hiscareermightbecalmerandlesscriminalbutforhisdeepdevotiontoher。

Yousee，itishavingmetherinearlylifethatisthecauseofallthetrouble。Hefirstsawherwhenshewasachild，andhelovedher，"ay，eventhen。"Ah，andhewouldhaveworked——slavedforher，andhavemadeherrichandhappy。Hemightperhapsevenhavebeenagoodman。

Shetriestosoothehim。Shesayssheloathedhimwithanunspeakablehorrorfromthefirstmomentthathereyesmethisrevoltingform。

Shesaysshesawahideoustoadonceinanastypond，andshesaysthatratherwouldshetakethatnoisomereptileandclaspitsslimybosomtoherownthantolerateoneinstant’stouchfromhis（thevillain’s）arms。

Thissweetprattleofhers，however，onlycharmshimallthemore。Hesayshewillwinheryet。

Nordoesthevillainseemmuchhappierinhislessseriousloveepisodes。Afterhehasindulgedinalittlebadinageoftheabovecharacterwithhisreallady—love，theheroine，hewilloccasionallytryalittlelightflirtationpassagewithhermaidorladyfriend。

Themaidorfrienddoesnotwastetimeinsimileorinmetaphor。Shecallshimablack—heartedscoundrelandclumpshimoverthehead。

Ofrecentyearsithasbeenattemptedtocheerthestagevillain’slovelesslifebymakingthevillageclergyman’sdaughtergoneonhim。

Butitisgenerallyabouttenyearsagowhenevenshelovedhim，andherlovehasturnedtohatebythetimetheplayopens;sothatonthewholehislotcanhardlybesaidtohavebeenmuchimprovedinthisdirection。

Notbutwhatitmustbeconfessedthatherchangeoffeelingis，underthecircumstances，onlynatural。Hetookherawayfromherhappy，peacefulhomewhenshewasveryyoungandbroughtheruptothiswickedovergrownLondon。Hedidnotmarryher。Thereisnoearthlyreasonwhyheshouldnothavemarriedher。Shemusthavebeenafinegirlatthattime（andsheisagood—lookingwomanasitis，withdashandgoabouther），andanyothermanwouldhavesettleddowncozilywithherandhaveledasimple，blamelesslife。

Butthestagevillainisbuiltcussed。

Heill—usesthisfemalemostshockingly——notforanycauseormotivewhatever;indeed，hisownpracticalinterestsshouldprompthimtotreatherwellandkeepfriendswithher——butfromthenaturalcussednesstowhichwehavejustalluded。Whenhespeakstoherheseizesherbythewristandbreatheswhathe’sgottosayintoherear，anditticklesandrevoltsher。

Theonlythinginwhichheisgoodtoherisinthematterofdress。