Hedoesnotstintherindress。

Thestagevillainissuperiortothevillainofreallife。Thevillainofreallifeisactuatedbymeresordidandselfishmotives。

Thestagevillaindoesvillainy，notforanypersonaladvantagetohimself，butmerelyfromtheloveofthethingasanart。Villainyistohimitsownreward;herevelsinit。

"Betterfarbepoorandvillainous，"hesaystohimself，"thanpossessallthewealthoftheIndieswithaclearconscience。Iwillbeavillain，"hecries。"Iwill，atgreatexpenseandinconveniencetomyself，murderthegoodoldman，gettheheroaccusedofthecrime，andmakelovetohiswifewhileheisinprison。Itwillbeariskyandlaboriousbusinessformefrombeginningtoend，andcanbringmenopracticaladvantagewhatever。ThegirlwillcallmeinsultingnameswhenIpayheravisit，andwillpushmeviolentlyinthechestwhenIgetnearher;hergolden—hairedinfantwillsayIamabadmanandmayevenrefusetokissme。Thecomicmanwillcovermewithhumorousopprobrium，andthevillagerswillgetadayoffandhangaboutthevillagepubandhootme。Everybodywillseethroughmyvillainy，andIshallbenabbedintheend。Ialwaysam。Butitisnomatter，Iwillbeavillain——ha！ha！"

Onthewhole，thestagevillainappearstoustobearatherbadlyusedindividual。Heneverhasany"estates"orpropertyhimself，andhisonlychanceofgettingonintheworldistosneakthehero’s。Hehasanaffectionatedisposition，andneverhavinganywifeofhisownheiscompelledtoloveotherpeople’s;buthisaffectioniseverunrequited，andeverythingcomeswrongforhimintheend。

Ouradvicetostagevillainsgenerally，aftercarefulobservationof（stage）lifeand（stage）humannature，isasfollows:

Neverbeastagevillainatallifyoucanhelpit。Thelifeistooharassingandtheremunerationaltogetherdisproportionatetotherisksandlabor。

Ifyouhaverunawaywiththeclergyman’sdaughterandshestillclingstoyou，donotthrowherdowninthecenterofthestageandcallhernames。Itonlyirritatesher，andshetakesadisliketoyouandgoesandwarnstheothergirl。

Don’thavetoomanyaccomplices;andifyouhavegotthem，don’tkeepsneeringatthemandbullyingthem。Awordfromthemcanhangyou，andyetyoudoallyoucantorilethem。Treatthemcivillyandletthemhavetheirfairshareoftheswag。

Bewareofthecomicman。Whenyouarecommittingamurderorrobbingasafeyouneverlooktoseewherethecomicmanis。Youaresocarelessinthatway。Onthewhole，itmightbeaswellifyoumurderedthecomicmanearlyintheplay。

Don’tmakelovetothehero’swife。Shedoesn’tlikeyou;howcanyouexpectherto？Besides，itisn’tproper。Whydon’tyougetagirlofyourown？

Lastly，don’tgodowntothescenesofyourcrimesinthelastact。

Youalwayswilldothis。Wesupposeitissomeextracheapexcursiondowntherethatattractsyou。Buttakeouradviceanddon’tgo。Thatisalwayswhereyougetnabbed。Thepoliceknowyourhabitsfromexperience。Theydonottroubletolookforyou。Theygodowninthelastacttotheoldhallortheruinedmillwhereyoudidthedeedandwaitforyou。

Inninecasesoutoftenyouwouldgetoffscot—freebutforthisidioticcustomofyours。Dokeepawayfromtheplace。Goabroadortothesea—sidewhenthelastactbeginsandstoptheretillitisover。Youwillbesafethen。

THEHEROINE。

Sheisalwaysintrouble——anddon’tsheletyouknowit，too！Herlifeisundeniablyahardone。Nothinggoesrightwithher。Weallhaveourtroubles，butthestageheroineneverhasanythingelse。IfsheonlygotoneafternoonaweekofffromtroubleorhadherSundaysfreeitwouldbesomething。

Butno;misfortunestalksbesideherfromweek’sbeginningtoweek’send。

Afterherhusbandhasbeenfoundguiltyofmurder，whichisabouttheleastthingthatcaneverhappentohim，andherwhite—hairedfatherhasbecomeabankruptandhasdiedofabrokenheart，andthehomeofherchildhoodhasbeensoldup，thenherinfantgoesandcontractsalingeringfever。

Sheweepsagooddealduringthecourseofhertroubles，whichwesupposeisonlynaturalenough，poorwoman。Butitisdepressingfromthepointofviewoftheaudience，andwealmostwishbeforetheeveningisoutthatshehadnotgotquitesomuchtrouble。

Itisoverthechildthatshedoesmostofherweeping。Thechildhasadamptimeofitaltogether。Wesometimeswonderthatitnevercatchesrheumatism。

Sheisverygood，isthestageheroine。Thecomicmanexpressesabeliefthatsheisabornangel。Shereproveshimforthiswithatearfulsmile（itwouldn’tbehersmileifitwasn’ttearful）。

"Oh，no，"shesays（sadlyofcourse）;"Ihavemany，manyfaults。"

Weratherwishthatshewouldshowthemalittlemore。Herexcessivegoodnessseemssomehowtopalluponus。Ouronlyconsolationwhilewatchingheristhattherearenotmanygoodwomenoffthestage。

Lifeisbadenoughasitis;ifthereweremanywomeninreallifeasgoodasthestageheroine，itwouldbeunbearable。

Thestageheroine’sonlypleasureinlifeistogooutinasnow—stormwithoutanumbrellaandwithnobonneton。Shehasabonnet，weknow（ratheratastefullittlething）;wehaveseenithangingupbehindthedoorofherroom;butwhenshecomesoutforanightstrollduringaheavysnow—storm（accompaniedbythunder），sheismostcarefultoleaveitathome。Maybeshefearsthesnowwillspoilit，andsheisacarefulgirl。

Shealwaysbringsherchildoutwithherontheseoccasions。Sheseemstothinkthatitwillfreshenitup。Thechilddoesnotappreciatethesnowasmuchasshedoes。Hesaysit’scold。

Onethingthatmustirritatethestageheroineverymuchontheseoccasionsisthewayinwhichthesnowseemstolieinwaitforherandfollowherabout。Itisquiteafinenightbeforeshecomesonthescene:themomentsheappearsitbeginstosnow。Itsnowsheavilyallthewhilesheremainsabout，andtheinstantshegoesitclearsupagainandkeepsdryfortherestoftheevening。

Thewaythesnow"goes"forthatpoorwomanismostunfair。Italwayssnowsmuchheavierintheparticularspotwheresheissittingthanitdoesanywhereelseinthewholestreet。Why，wehavesometimesseenaheroinesittinginthemidstofablindingsnow—stormwhiletheothersideoftheroadwasasdryasabone。Anditneverseemedtooccurtohertocrossover。

Wehaveevenknownamorethanunusuallymalignantsnow—stormtofollowaheroinethreetimesroundthestageandthengooff（R。）withher。

Ofcourseyoucan’tgetawayfromasnow—stormlikethat！Astagesnow—stormisthekindofsnow—stormthatwouldfollowyouupstairsandwanttocomeintobedwithyou。

Anothercuriousthingaboutthesestagesnow—stormsisthatthemoonisalwaysshiningbrightlythroughthewholeofthem。Anditshinesonlyontheheroine，anditfollowsheraboutjustlikethesnowdoes。

Nobodyfullyunderstandswhatawonderfulworkofnaturethemoonisexceptpeopleacquaintedwiththestage。Astronomyteachesyousomethingaboutthemoon，butyoulearnagooddealmorefromafewvisitstoatheater。Youwillfindfromthelatterthatthemoononlyshinesonheroesandheroines，withperhapsanoccasionalbeamonthecomicman:italwaysgoesoutwhenitseesthevillaincoming。

Itissurprising，too，howquicklythemooncangooutonthestage。

Atonemomentitisridinginfullradianceinthemidstofacloudlesssky，andthenextinstantitisgone！Justasthoughithadbeenturnedoffatameter。Itmakesyouquitegiddyatfirstuntilyougetusedtoit。

Thestageheroineisinclinedtothoughtfulnessratherthangayety。

Inhercheerfulmomentsthestageheroinethinkssheseesthespiritofhermother，ortheghostofherfather，orshedreamsofherdeadbaby。

Butthisisonlyinherverymerrymoods。Asarule，sheistoomuchoccupiedwithweepingtohavetimeforfrivolousreflections。

Shehasagreatflowoflanguageandawonderfulgiftofmetaphorandsimile——moreforciblethanelegant——andthismightberathertryinginawifeunderordinarycircumstances。Butastheheroisgenerallysentencedtotenyears’penalservitudeonhiswedding—morn，heescapesforaperiodfromadangerthatmightwellappallalessfortunatebridegroom。

Sometimesthestageheroinehasabrother，andifsoheissuretobemistakenforherlover。Wenevercameacrossabrotherandsisterinreallifewhoevergavethemostsuspiciouspersonanygroundsformistakingthemforlovers;butthestagebrotherandsisteraresoaffectionatethattheerrorisexcusable。

Andwhenthemistakedoesoccurandthehusbandcomesinsuddenlyandfindsthemkissingandravesshedoesn’tturnroundandsay:

"Why，yousillycuckoo，it’sonlymybrother。"

Thatwouldbesimpleandsensible，andwouldnotsuitthestageheroineatall。No;shedoesallinherpowertomakeeverybodybelieveitistrue，sothatshecansufferinsilence。

Shedoessolovetosuffer。

Marriageisundoubtedlyafailureinthecaseofthestageheroine。

Ifthestageheroinewerewelladvisedshewouldremainsingle。Herhusbandmeanswell。Heisdecidedlyaffectionate。Butheisunfortunateandinexperiencedinworldlyaffairs。Thingscomerightforhimattheendoftheplay，itistrue;butwewouldnotrecommendtheheroinetoplacetoomuchrelianceuponthecontinuanceofthishappystateofaffairs。Fromwhatwehaveseenofherhusbandandhisbusinesscapabilitiesduringthefiveactspreceding，weareinclinedtodoubtthepossibilityofhisbeinganythingbutunfortunatetotheendofhiscareer。

True，hehasatlastgothis"rights"（whichhewouldneverhavelosthadhehadaheadinsteadofasentimentalbladderonhisshoulders），theVillainishandcuffed，andheandtheheroinehavesettleddowncomfortablynextdoortothecomicman。

Butthisheavenlyexistencewillneverlast。Thestageherowasbuiltfortrouble，andhewillbeinitagaininanothermonth，youbet。

They’llgetupanothermortgageforhimonthe"estates;"andhewon’tknow，blessyou，whetherhereallydidsignitorwhetherhedidn’t，andouthewillgo。

Andhe’llslophisnameabouttodocumentswithouteverlookingtoseewhathe’sdoing，andbeletinforLordknowswhat;andanotherwifewillturnupforhimthathehadmarriedwhenaboyandforgottenallabout。

Andthenextcorpsethatcomestothevillagehe’llgetmixedupwith——sureto——andhaveitlaidtohisdoor，andthere’llbealltheoldbusinessoveragain。

No，ouradvicetothestageheroineistogetridoftheheroassoonaspossible，marrythevillain，andgoandliveabroadsomewherewherethecomicmanwon’tcomefoolingaround。

Shewillbemuchhappier。

THECOMICMAN。

Hefollowstheheroallovertheworld。Thisisroughonthehero。

Whatmakeshimsogoneontheheroisthatwhentheywereboystogethertheherousedtoknockhimdownandkickhim。Thecomicmanremembersthiswithaglowofpridewhenheisgrownup，anditmakeshimlovetheheroanddeterminetodevotehislifetohim。

Heisamanofhumblestation——thecomicman。Thevillageblacksmithorapeddler。Youneverseearichoraristocraticcomicmanonthestage。Youcanhaveyourchoiceonthestage;youcanbefunnyandoflowlyorigin，oryoucanbewell—to—doandwithoutanysenseofhumor。

Peersandpolicemenarethepeoplemostutterlydevoidofhumoronthestage。

Thechiefdutyofthecomicman’slifeistomakelovetoservant—girls，andtheyslaphisface;butitdoesnotdiscouragehim;

heseemstobemoresmittenbythemthanever。

Thecomicmanishappyunderanyfate，andhesaysfunnythingsatfuneralsandwhenthebailiffsareinthehouseortheheroiswaitingtobehanged。

Thissortofmanisrathertryinginreallife。Inreallifesuchamanwouldprobablybeslaughteredtodeathandburiedatanearlyperiodofhiscareer，butonthestagetheyputupwithhim。

Heisverygood，isthecomicman。Hecan’tbearvillainy。Tothwartvillainyishislife’sambition，andinthisnobleobjectfortunebackshimupgrandly。Badpeoplecomeandcommittheirmurdersandtheftsrightunderhisnose，sothathecandenouncetheminthelastact。

Theyneverseehimthere，standingclosebesidethem，whiletheyareperformingthesefearfulcrimes。

Itismarveloushowshort—sightedpeopleonthestageare。Wealwaysthoughtthattheyoungladyinreallifewasmoderatelygoodatnotseeingfolksshedidnotwanttowhentheywerestandingstraightinfrontofher，butherafflictioninthisdirectionisasnothingcomparedwiththatofherbrothersandsistersonthestage。

Theseunfortunatepeoplecomeintoroomswheretherearecrowdsofpeopleabout——peoplethatitismostimportantthattheyshouldsee，andowingtonotseeingwhomtheygetthemselvesintofearfultrouble，andtheynevernoticeanyofthem。Theytalktosomebodyopposite，andtheycan’tseeathirdpersonthatisstandingbangbetweenthetwoofthem。

Youmightfancytheyworeblinkers。

Then，again，theirhearingissoterriblyweak。Itreallyoughttobeseento。Peopletalkandchatterattheverytopoftheirvoicesclosebehindthem，andtheyneverhearaword——don’tknowanybody’sthere，even。Afterithasbeengoingonforhalfanhour，andthepeople"upstage"havemadethemselveshoarsewithshouting，andsomebodyhasbeenboisterouslymurderedandallthefurnitureupset，thenthepeople"downstage""thinktheyhearanoise。"

Thecomicmanalwaysrowswithhiswifeifheismarriedorwithhissweetheartifheisnotmarried。Theyquarrelalldaylong。Itmustbeatryinglife，youwouldthink，buttheyappeartolikeit。

Howthecomicmanlivesandsupportshiswife（shelooksasifitwantedsomethingtosupporther，too）andfamilyisalwaysamysterytous。Aswehavesaid，heisnotarichmanandheneverseemstoearnanymoney。Sometimeshekeepsashop，andinthewayhemanagesbusinessitmustbeanexpensivethingtokeep，forheneverchargesanybodyforanything，heissogenerous。Allhiscustomersseemtobepeoplemoreorlessintrouble，andhecan’tfinditinhishearttoaskthemtopayfortheirgoodsundersuchdistressingcircumstances。

Hestuffstheirbasketfullwithtwiceasmuchastheycametobuy，pushestheirmoneybackintotheirhands，andwipesawayatear。

Whydoesn’tacomicmancomeandsetupagrocerystoreinourneighborhood？

Whentheshopdoesnotprovesufficientlyprofitable（asundertheabove—explainedmethodsometimeshappenstobethecase）thecomicman’swifeseekstoaddtotheincomebytakinginlodgers。Thisisabadmoveonherpart，foritalwaysendsinthelodgerstakingherin。

Theheroandheroine，whoseemtohavebeenwaitingforsomethingofthesort，immediatelycomeandtakepossessionofthewholehouse。

Ofcoursethecomicmancouldnotthinkofchargingformereboardandlodgingthemanwhoknockedhimdownwhentheywereboystogether！

Besides，wasnottheheroine（nowthehero’swife）thesweetestandtheblithestgirlinallthevillageofDeepdale？（Theymusthavebeenagloomyband，theothers！）Howcananyonewithahumanheartbeneathhisbosomsuggestthatpeoplelikethatshouldpayfortheirrestandwashing？Thecomicmanisshockedathiswifeforeventhinkingofsuchathing，andtheendofitisthatMr。andMrs。Herolivetherefortherestoftheplayrentfree;coals，soap，candles，andhair—oilforthechildbeingprovidedforthemonthesameterms。

Theheroraisesvagueandfeebleobjectionstothisarrangementnowandagain。Hesayshewillnothearofsuchathing，thathewillstaynolongertobeaburdenuponthesehonestfolk，butwillgoforthuntotheroadsideandtherestarve。Thecomicmanhasawfulworkwithhim，butwinsatlastandpersuadesthenoblefellowtostoponandgivetheplaceanothertrial。

When，amorningorsoafterwitnessingoneofthesebeautifulscenes，ourownlandladyknocksatourdoorandcreatesadisturbanceoverapaltrymatterofthreeorfourweeks’rent，andsaysshe’llhavehermoneyoroutwegothatveryday，anddriftsslowlyawaydowntowardthekitchen，abusingusinarisingvoiceasshedescends，thenwethinkofthesethingsandgrowsad。

Itistheexampleofthepeopleroundhimthatmakesthecomicmansogenerous。Everybodyisgenerousonthestage。Theyaregivingawaytheirpursesalldaylong;thatistheregulation"tip"onthestage——one’spurse。Themomentyouhearataleofwoe，yougrabitoutofyourpocket，slapitintothewoe—er’spalm，griphishand，dashawayatear，andexit;youdon’tevenleaveyourselfa’busfarehome。Youwalkbackquicklyandgetanotherpurse。

Middle—classpeopleandothersonthestagewhoareshortofpurseshavetocontentthemselveswiththrowingaboutrollsofbank—notesandtippingservantswithfive—poundchecks。Verystingypeopleonthestagehavebeenknowntobesocussedmeanastogiveawaymeresovereigns。